The Origin of Turning North: It All Started with a Cup of Coffee.

But it’s not actually about the coffee.

I am drinking less than one cup of coffee per day. To be more accurate, I am drinking less than one mug of coffee per day. Did you know that most coffee mugs actually hold 12-16oz, not the standard 8oz? I only know this because I spent one morning during precious nap time measuring how much fluid each of my favorite mugs held.

If you know me at all, this is a Big Deal. Coffee has been fueling me for decades, in varying forms and quantities over the years.

Coffee has been great, and I still enjoy my less-than-one-mug each morning.

But I didn’t realize that I had formed a dependence on it. Sure, I knew if I cut down I would get a withdrawal headache (been there, done that). What I never acknowledged before is the side effects of how consuming copious amounts of coffee has made me feel, physically and mentally.

Cutting down on my caffeine intake might not seem like a Big Deal.

But let me tell you, it spurred something in me. A catalyst, if you will.

//

It all started when I was messaging back and forth on Marco Polo with a good friend. Not just any good friend, but the kind of friend you can admit the hard, ugly stuff to. The kind of friend that will encourage you, convict you, and tell you the truth even when it stings a little bit, but will also fiercely pray for you. The kind of friend everyone needs. Anyway, she happened to mention that she was working on cutting down her Dr. Pepper intake and limiting caffeine.

Did you know that caffeine is considered an addictive substance?

//

I started drinking caffeine consistently when I began the most intense years of physician assistant (PA) school. During those grueling years of my medical training, I was consuming upwards of 9 cups of coffee per day. As a medical professional, I don’t recommend that, ever.

But here’s the kicker: it wasn’t actually 9 cups of coffee. It was 9 mugs of coffee. And if each mug holds 12-16oz, that is actually 15-18 cups of coffee per day.

I really, definitely, absolutely do not recommend that.

//

When my friend mentioned in passing that she was cutting down on her caffeine, it made me pause.

I had been having a lot more anxiety lately; the kind of anxiety that was keeping me up at night and also causing some panicky feelings. I had a few heart palpitations that I was choosing to ignore. I was irritable, depleted, and jittery. I was sleeping poorly most nights.

I thought I was just tired, because I was tired. I’m a military wife and my husband works incredibly long hours or is gone on training missions. I’m mostly home by myself with our toddler and baby, juggling the entire household, and serving a lot within our military community. I had a traumatic birth experience delivering our son less than a year ago, then we sold our house and moved across the country three months later, and it’s basically been a whirlwind ever since.

The solution to my tiredness was to just keep pouring the coffee.

What I didn’t realize was that I was pouring poison.

//

I often say my life is on rinse and repeat—as a stay-at-home-mom, I do the same things over and over and over and over.

Pour the coffee, change the diaper, pick up the toys, wipe the counters, chase the toddler, bounce the baby, fold the laundry, preschool pickup and dropoff, make dinner and pray my toddler eats it. That’s basically my day in a nutshell. Sure, there’s extra stuff usually thrown in, but my day-to-day rhythm is on a rinse-and-repeat cycle.

When I run a load of laundry, the rinse cycle is meant to be the final cleanse of the load.¹ It’s meant to double-check that your clothes are actually clean before your washing machine declares with a slightly-obnoxious chime that the cycle is complete. The rinse cycle is meant to remove any remaining dirt or unclean residue.

I wonder what dirt particles are lingering within my rinse-and-repeat activities.

//

I would tell people that I was drinking 3 cups of coffee per day.

That was a lie. I was probably drinking closer to 5-6 cups of coffee per day. After being inspired by my friend, I decided to cut cold-turkey down to two cups of coffee per day.

The withdrawal headaches for the following two days were brutal, but once I got to the other side, it was like a curtain lifted. I felt much less irritable and jittery. With time, my anxiety improved. I was sleeping better. My heart palpitations resolved. I’m more patient with my kids. I have more energy, despite drinking significantly less of an energy-stimulating substance.

I kept slowly cutting down after that, to the point that I don’t usually finish my one mug of coffee.

I thought I needed the caffeine to function well. It turns out, I am more effective without it.

It got me thinking—what other rinse-and-repeat habits do I have that are masquerading as helpful, but are actually harmful?

//

The new year is a time that simultaneously inspires and exasperates us.

Start the workout routine! Learn how to bake bread from scratch! Lose 10lbs! Learn a new skill! Drastically change big areas of your life in ways that likely aren’t sustainable and expect instantaneous results!

And most of us do just that. We kick off the new year by changing our lives with Energizer-Bunny level enthusiasm, only to crash and burn by around January 21.

But what if the secret to actual lasting change isn't in the big things, but in the little things?

//

The rinse cycle of your laundry machine doesn’t take very long. Your clothes have already been washed with detergent and water; the heavy cleaning is done, but it needs one more scrub to eliminate any lingering debris. Your washing machine drains, fills with fresh water, agitates your clothes, then drains again.²

The rinse cycle gives fresh perspective and cleanses what's already been happening within.

//

At the same time I began to cut down on coffee, I was feeling very unsettled about how I was spending my very limited free time. I had finished reading The Anxious Generation, which gave me even more to consider. How much time was I wasting staring at squares on my phone, comparing myself to others, and curating captions and images on a platform, that in general, gives me an “ick” feeling? Do I want my kids seeing me on my phone so much? What example am I setting? Why am I engaging in an activity that I know has significantly more negative outcomes than benefits? What other habits do I engage in that are more harmful than beneficial?

//

I had started waking up before my kids to have some “me” time before the day began, but one day I woke up at 4am—which was a lot earlier than planned—and this verse from Deuteronomy came to mind. This is not a verse or story in the Bible that I have previously dwelt on, really ever, but it was clear-as-day to me what it meant.

“You have circled this mountain long enough; turn north.” Deuteronomy 2:3 (emphasis added)

The Israelites had been wandering through the desert for decades, and finally the Lord told Moses to turn north towards the Promised Land. It would still take years to get there, but they were finally heading in the right direction.

I have been wasteful and wandering with my time and energy; I have been indulging in things that pretend to be helpful or are socially-acceptable, but are actually dirt that’s clinging to my daily life and hindering me from where the Lord wants me to be.

• I am relying on coffee’s strength, not God’s.

• I am distracted by social media instead of engaging with my children.

• I am pushing content on Instagram at the sacrifice of writing in long-form.

• I wring my hands in worry instead of raising them in surrender and folding them in prayer.

• …and the list goes on.

I have been repeating these habits long enough; it’s time to turn towards the One who can do something new and make a way in the wasteland, and head in a different direction.³

It’s time to rinse what I keep repeating.

It’s time to turn north.

1. I actually looked up the function of the rinse cycle.

2. I have learned a lot about the different functions and cycles of washing machines.

3. Isaiah 43:19